Hello, my name is Kaylah. I am currently living in Charlotte, NC going to school and working full time as a waitress. Most of days are spent working or doing homework. But during my free time I spend with my wonderful puppy, Indy.
Life is hard– I am sure we all know that by now. Just so we get to know each other I am going to start by talking about my past. As I am older now I can now identify my depression and anxiety at a young age now. Looking back at things I can say my depression and anxiety started when I was about 8 years old. My Mom and my step dad at the time got divorced. He was my best friend from 2 years old to 8 years old. When they sat me down to tell me that they were separating and that he was going to live somewhere else I was in total shock. I could not understand why my family was falling apart. My mom had to constantly tell me it was not me but me being 8 I could not even try to understand. From then on I slept with my mom. I did not know how to be alone anymore. My step dad at the time told me that we would always see each other. I am now 21 and I have never seen him since that night. Life went on, I put all my anger in softball, and school. I did very well in school. Softball was my get away, practice, tournaments, everything. It was a space I was able to just let go all of the stress I had.
A few years went by and of course my mom got remarried, and I had 5 siblings. I went from just having an older brother to 3 older brothers, a older sister, and a younger sister. I am going to be honest. I was not about my mom finding another guy in her life. I was content with just her. She was my best friend– she still is. I think I was 11/12 when they got together. I was just confused what I was happening. I was not ready to share my mom again. I just had her all to myself for so many years. She protected me from everything. Being 11/12 I did not really have a choice, my mom was happy. If she was happy, I was going to be happy for her.
Fast forward to high school when things go super bad for me. I was 15 and I got into my first relationship. I let it take over my life. I literally did whatever I had to do to make sure he was happy. My happiness did not matter to me. My self worth was so low. I was dependent on him for everything. For a year it was all him, never me. We argued every single day about everything. Along with arguing with my step dad all the time. My step dad was an alcoholic at the time. Having a super controlling boyfriend and an alcoholic step dad was the worst mix for me. When my boyfriend broke up with me it hit me like a bus. I was never expecting this. I went in a deep hole. I skipped softball for almost a week and half. It was like I lost a part of me. Even though I was treated like pure shit, I thought that is how things were supposed to be. My grades started to slip, I was crying all day everyday for 6 months. Along with having to deal with home. Me and my step dad did not see eye to eye. The rude, horrible things he would say to me made me feel like nothing. I felt like an ant in this huge world. I lost all hope honesty. Luckily my bed room was upstairs and the only one upstairs so I just locked myself in there with my dog. Don’t get me wrong me and my step dad had some great times, but when he drinks it is like the world just falls to shit. My mental health was at an all time low. I hated my life, I hated myself. I wanted to die, but I was scared of death. It was a very weird feeling.
Getting help was never something I wanted to do. But luckily i have the best mom and she realized that something was wrong and I needed help. I went to see my doctor at 16 and was put on Prozac. It made me sleep way too much. At this point I was just sleeping to avoid everything. Then I got put on Zoloft, it was great for my anxiety but my depression was not any better. I was staying up till 6am just trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. I literally thought this was normal. I thought was supposed to think like this. I was supposed to hate myself.
After about 6 different medications I honesty said “this shit does not work” and I took myself off everything. DO NOT DO THAT. I do not recommend that at all. I have done this too many times, and gone through some awful withdraws. I have always been so pissed that I have to take a pill to make me feel better, and to ease my mood.
It has taken me 6 YEARS to realize that it is okay that I have to take medicine. It took me 6 years to finally go to therapy. It took me so long to realize that I matter. That I am important. It as taken me so long. I was alone for so long. My “best friends” at the time told me that they did not want to hear my negatives just my positives. My BEST FRIENDS told me that. I did not know what to do. I had no one. This is why I am writing this blog. I want to be that person for anyone who needs it. You should never go through this alone. You do matter, you are important, and you deserve to live life happy.
I care about you so much. Life is too short and too beautiful to be so sad all the time. You will get there. You will find your happy place. If you need help getting help, reach out to me. I can help you. I can steer you in the right direction. This is what I am passionate about and I cant wait to help you!
xoxo, Kaylah
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